Honor and Entitlement

Today I walked into the computer repair shop to pick up some items and as I waited, there was a  woman in front of me with a pre-teen I presumed was her son. She asked the repair tech what her total would be. He responded,

“That will be $125.00 today ma’am.”

The woman gave a frustrated sigh and pulled out her credit card and said to her son, “I hope you learn to ask before you download random things! This is the second time I’ve had to pay for this now on this laptop because of you and I can’t afford for you to keep getting crazy viruses on it because you open files that you know nothing about!”

The boy indignantly responded, “It isn’t my fault! How am I supposed to know?!?”

The two of them started going back and forth in their confrontation:

“You need to ask before you open a file.”

“But Mom!! I did ask and you said you didn’t know.”

“If I don’t know what something is either ask someone else who does know or just don’t open it. Or you can just stop downloading things altogether!”

“But that is what computers are for!”

“I am tired of paying to fix the computer all the time!”

“But it isn’t my fault”

The repair man tried to insert himself, “You can always call me about questionable downloads and I would be able to help you.”

The two ignored him and continued to yell at each other. 

After they had paid and left, still arguing, I walked up to the counter. I laughed and said, “It’s pretty amazing how kids talk to their parents.”

He responded, “Ya, it certainly isn’t the way I was raised. I see a lot of stuff like that.”

As I drove home, I kept thinking about the small exchange that I had heard. It was really nothing compared some of the dramatic nonsense you can see on YouTube with kids talking-back and being disrespectful to their parents. But it bothered me none the less. 

I talked to my own preteen about it and we came up with some ideas of what the boy should have said instead to try and highlight why his behavior was so problematic.

What if it had gone like this instead?: “I hope you learn to ask before you download random things! This is the second time I’ve had to pay for this now on this laptop because of you and I can’t afford for you to keep getting crazy viruses on it because you open files that you know nothing about!”

“I am sorry mom. I know I made the same mistake again and I want to apologize.” 

Or before she said it, he should have said, “Mom, I am sorry I did this again. Obviously, I need to only use the laptop for only homework and the programs that I already have installed on it. I wont do this again.”

Or best of all, “Mom, I appreciate you paying for this to be repaired again upfront but I want to work to pay for my mistake. Let’s figure out how much you think my time is worth per hour and some lists of chores that I can do to work off my mistake.”

The conversation with my son led to a discussion about what it means to have ‘honor’. We discussed that having honor meant that you were loyal to doing the right thing and giving your very best in every situation regardless of how hard it was. 

We talked about how in this situation this boy could have shown honor, even in the middle of his mistake, by accepting responsibility for the costs and trying to make restitution to those who were effected by his choices. Regardless of how intentional, ignorant or accidental the mistake was, the right choice, and yes, the hard choice, would have been to step forward and claim ownership of what happened. 

I imagined in my mind that moment in the repair shop replayed with that alternate conversation and I thought how beautiful that would have been to see that kind of maturity. Respect. Dignity. Integrity.

We talk a lot about the entitlement of this generation. This boy certainly felt entitled to make mistakes and allow his mother to pay for it. That is what parents are for after all! Right? Right? 

I wonder if our entitlement comes in part from us losing our sense of honor. 

No matter what happened, should have happened or otherwise, I hope that my son heard some of the message from today. Otto von Bismarck wrote 'A fool learns from his mistakes, but a truly wise man learns from the mistakes of others'. Please, please, my son…learn wisdom in your youth.

Maybe I'll share my thoughts on honor in parenting next time...