You are doing it wrong: Mormon Style

Honor and Entitlement

Today I walked into the computer repair shop to pick up some items and as I waited, there was a  woman in front of me with a pre-teen I presumed was her son. She asked the repair tech what her total would be. He responded,

“That will be $125.00 today ma’am.”

The woman gave a frustrated sigh and pulled out her credit card and said to her son, “I hope you learn to ask before you download random things! This is the second time I’ve had to pay for this now on this laptop because of you and I can’t afford for you to keep getting crazy viruses on it because you open files that you know nothing about!”

The boy indignantly responded, “It isn’t my fault! How am I supposed to know?!?”

The two of them started going back and forth in their confrontation:

“You need to ask before you open a file.”

“But Mom!! I did ask and you said you didn’t know.”

“If I don’t know what something is either ask someone else who does know or just don’t open it. Or you can just stop downloading things altogether!”

“But that is what computers are for!”

“I am tired of paying to fix the computer all the time!”

“But it isn’t my fault”

The repair man tried to insert himself, “You can always call me about questionable downloads and I would be able to help you.”

The two ignored him and continued to yell at each other. 

After they had paid and left, still arguing, I walked up to the counter. I laughed and said, “It’s pretty amazing how kids talk to their parents.”

He responded, “Ya, it certainly isn’t the way I was raised. I see a lot of stuff like that.”

As I drove home, I kept thinking about the small exchange that I had heard. It was really nothing compared some of the dramatic nonsense you can see on YouTube with kids talking-back and being disrespectful to their parents. But it bothered me none the less. 

I talked to my own preteen about it and we came up with some ideas of what the boy should have said instead to try and highlight why his behavior was so problematic.

What if it had gone like this instead?: “I hope you learn to ask before you download random things! This is the second time I’ve had to pay for this now on this laptop because of you and I can’t afford for you to keep getting crazy viruses on it because you open files that you know nothing about!”

“I am sorry mom. I know I made the same mistake again and I want to apologize.” 

Or before she said it, he should have said, “Mom, I am sorry I did this again. Obviously, I need to only use the laptop for only homework and the programs that I already have installed on it. I wont do this again.”

Or best of all, “Mom, I appreciate you paying for this to be repaired again upfront but I want to work to pay for my mistake. Let’s figure out how much you think my time is worth per hour and some lists of chores that I can do to work off my mistake.”

The conversation with my son led to a discussion about what it means to have ‘honor’. We discussed that having honor meant that you were loyal to doing the right thing and giving your very best in every situation regardless of how hard it was. 

We talked about how in this situation this boy could have shown honor, even in the middle of his mistake, by accepting responsibility for the costs and trying to make restitution to those who were effected by his choices. Regardless of how intentional, ignorant or accidental the mistake was, the right choice, and yes, the hard choice, would have been to step forward and claim ownership of what happened. 

I imagined in my mind that moment in the repair shop replayed with that alternate conversation and I thought how beautiful that would have been to see that kind of maturity. Respect. Dignity. Integrity.

We talk a lot about the entitlement of this generation. This boy certainly felt entitled to make mistakes and allow his mother to pay for it. That is what parents are for after all! Right? Right? 

I wonder if our entitlement comes in part from us losing our sense of honor. 

No matter what happened, should have happened or otherwise, I hope that my son heard some of the message from today. Otto von Bismarck wrote 'A fool learns from his mistakes, but a truly wise man learns from the mistakes of others'. Please, please, my son…learn wisdom in your youth.

Maybe I'll share my thoughts on honor in parenting next time...

The Spirituality of Men

Dear family, friends and associates, (especially those within my religious community),

I am writing this to use my voice to hopefully create a shift in the way that the people in my life communicate around me and my family. 

There is a phrase/teaching circulating in the LDS church that troubles me and I believe is causing unintentional harm. I heard it again today and as I looked down the pew at my sons I decided it was time to speak up.

Frequently, I have heard it said that women are naturally or instinctively more spiritual than men. I have heard this idea taught at times with the intent to empower women, other times apologetically and at some times I have heard it used manipulatively, both by men and women. 

I believe that it is false. I believe that it is damaging to both men and women, girls and boys. I believe that it is terribly sexist. 

I know of no teaching of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ where He said that women are more spiritual than men. I believe that this thought is a creation of mankind and culture. Yes, it might be representative of an individual’s experience, but that makes it their opinion, not fact. It is my opinion that as we perpetuate this teaching within our religious community, it becomes self-fulfilling. All people are inclined to internalize what they are consistently told about themselves, especially when it comes from people in positions of trust.

To make this personal, please stop telling my sons that they are not as good as your daughters. Stop. It is not true. Stop. It hurts them in ways I do not believe you understand or intend. Stop. If you believe it, because of your experiences or teachers have taught you that it is true then I respect your religion, but it is not my religion and I do not believe it is LDS doctrine. So please stop teaching it as if it is canonized scripture. The little disclaimer, “It is my personal opinion…” at the beginning of your comments creates appropriate ownership and accountability for your truth. While I welcome the adult discussion on differing opinions and religions, please stop teaching it to my children. 

It is my opinion that the experiences I have had with God show me that He does not think His daughters are naturally closer to Him than His sons. I believe He is no respecter of persons in this regard. Males are not spiritually better than females, and females are not spiritually better than males. Please stop the sexism. 

If I am wrong and this is in fact a tenet of LDS gospel and not the cultural indoctrination and manifestation that I think it is, then please feel free to correct me. That is something I would certainly want to know. If it is your opinion, then you already know my feelings on that. Regardless, stop saying it to my children.

Sincerely,

A mama bear